Triangles are everywhere, because the illuminati is everywhere. What people didn't realize was that Toblerone was the illuminati all along. After all, our chocolate is shaped like a bloody triangle. We've finally come clean with our level of involvement in some of the world's largest conspiracies. 

AD: Mikayla Lapierre

Kick off ad. Branded content in The Onion. 

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Stickers. Place them on the all seeing eye to let people know who's running the show. 

Crop circles placed near airports, because aliens love chocolate too. 

Jay-Z is our biggest fan.

Jay-Z is our biggest fan.